KuroSHITsuji
by JadedAria
Summary: A story of complete crack! Two demon friends are in search of the way to stop the Angels who have returned. So they team up with Sebastian. CielXOC SebastianXOC So... yeah prepare for the worst! Maybe more pairings!
1. Chapter 1

In the countryside of London, a large manor stood prominently in the rainy night. It was the sixteenth birthday of Earl Ciel Phantomhive, Queen Victoria's Guard Dog, and owner of Funtum Toy Company.

"I wonder what will happen on this birthday young master," Sebastian jeered. "Shut up," Ciel replied with annoyance in his pompous voice. "I seem to recall Lady Elizabeth talking about your birthday party."

"Party?" Ciel said with surprise. "Party!" the servants Mayrin, Finni, and Bard exclaimed. "Don't get too excited," Sebastian said plainly, "Lady Elizabeth is throwing it."

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" they all screamed in terror. "No no not Lady Elizabeth," Finni cried. "She will embarrass us all yes," Mayrin pointed out. "Ho ho," Tanaka agreed?

"Nice to see you again Tanaka," Sebastian greeted.

Everyone then heard a high-pitched squeal, "Ciel!" The servants all stumble around to find a place to hide. Ciel looked as though he was prepared to fly away. The only thing stopping him was his fiancée, Lady Elizabeth fleeing through the doors and throwing her arms around his neck. "Ciel, happy birthday," she squealed in her annoyingly high-pitched voice.

"I want to rip that voice out of her throat yes," Meyrin whispered to her fellow servants, which were all hiding behind Ciel's large desk. "That doesn't sound like a bad idea," Bard whispered back.

Two muscular men wearing pink filly bonnets came in carrying a large pink box with a red bow sitting on top. "What the hell is this," Ciel inquired. "You'll see," she said as she ripped the bow off the box. Confetti and cake and candy all burst out of the top of the box. In the single blink of an eye the entire room was covered with stars, hearts, unicorns, rainbows, and all the gay things alike.

"I think I saw my balls roll out the door," Bard said. "I think I saw them too yes," Meyrin said as blood trickled down her nose. "I think I lost what was left of my masculinity," Finni replied. Mayrin just nodded in his direction.

"Lizzie, what is all this for?" Ciel said with a bit of fear in his dark blue eyes. Lizzie turned towards him with excitement beaming in her smile, "It's for your birthday party! Isn't it cute?" "Ah-gah-huh-oh-ah-oh-ah-oh," Ciel stuttered. "I take your speechlessness as a good thing," Lizzie said, "Sebastian what do you think?"

Sebastian placed his hand on his chest and bowed, "We are honored to have someone like you decorate for this momentous occasion." "Quit kissing her ass, that's my job," Ciel ordered. Sebastian knelt on one knee in front of Ciel with his hand on his chest, "Yes, my lord."

"Ciel you're so vulgar," Lizzie said. Ciel just glared at her but Lizzie paid no mind to it. She turned towards Ciel's desk, "You three can come too."

Bard poked his head above the desk, "Ha-ha-ho-how did she know we were here?" "I saw your balls roll out the door," Lizzie answered. A shadow of shame overcame Bard's face.

"Mayrin, it isn't polite to leave your nose blood behind my master's desk," Sebastian said. Meyrin's pale skin turned scarlet. "And Finni," Sebastian completed, "There is no need to be ashamed by the loss of your masculinity. After all you never really had any." "Ho-ho" Tanaka laughed?

Tears started to form in Finni's green-blue eyes and he stormed out the room in despair. "Now that that is taken care of," Sebastian began, "Would my lord like it if I sent out the invitations?" Ciel glared at him, "Only if they say this party isn't for me." "Very good my lord," Sebastian replied.

"Yahoo! A party!" Grell screamed from outside the window, "Sebby-darling. Its our anniversary! We shall celebrate with a kiss." "With tongue," he added to himself silently.

"No," Sebastian said coolly. "Ah Sebastian you're so cruel, it's so hot," Grell said. "Shut up," Sebastian said as he kicked Grell right in the face. "Oh so such rough and painful love," Grell said, "It makes me so hot!"

Badass music was playing in the background as two demons danced in the rain in celebration of their latest feast. "There is no soul more pure than the soul of a six-year-old boy," Jade said. "Yes but he was so cute," Aria replied. "Yes but he was so boring," Jade said, "It was the classic sob story. He lost his parents and he was forced into slavery and he was raped and burned blah blah blah. Humans, they, are so weak." "My brother always said that when humans find themselves in the bowels of hell they will grasp onto the thinnest spider line in a pathetic attempt to pull themselves out but they don't realize they are only forcing themselves deeper in the endless abyss of hell."

"Your brother is an idiot," Jade interrupted. "Excuse me?" Aria inquired, "Didn't you crush on him." "No," Jade answered, "I just found him attractive, until he opened his mouth." "You like him," Aria sang. "Please don't sing," Jade begged, "You sound like a human."

So after an epic battle scene where the two demons feasted on more poor unsuspecting humans, they ended up near the Phantomhive manor.

"Doesn't your brother live here? Lucky." Jade asked. "I knew I should have stuck with him."

"Ha! I knew it! You do like him!" Aria said as Jade stuck out her tongue at her.

"Ha, such pathetic demon women. You wish to go inside the manor. I can get inside the manor. It is the home of my very own Sebby-darling," Grell said from the roof of the manor.

"Who the hell are you?" Jade screamed at the red figure. "I am the wife of the very own and very handsome Sebastian Michaelis, Grell Sutcliff!"

"Um. I hate to break the news to you but you're a dude and my brother does not swing that way. And you kind of look like a whore," Aria stated.

"Ah such rudeness! And did you just say that the very beautiful and roughly affectionate Sebby is your brother?" Grell said. "Yes I did," Aria said coolly.

"Now I see it," Grell said, "But you're too ugly to be related to my handsome Sebby."

Aria gracefully jumps on the roof and kicks Grell in the face right where Sebastian left his footprint.

"Yeah, you're definitely Sebby's sister," Grell moaned.

"C'mon Jade, let's infiltrate this manor," Aria shouted from the roof.

Inside the manor, Aria and Jade walk into Ciel's study with Grell in tow. Aria kicks open the door dramatically and sings, "Oh brother! I have your wife!" "Your wife?" Ciel jeered with a menacing smile on his face. "Apparently so my lord," Sebastian sighed.

Sebastian held out his hand to Aria, "Hand him to me." Aria threw Grell to Sebastian with incredible force and speed. Sebastian caught him with one hand, spun him around, and threw him out the window. (This is called defenestration).

Sebastian turned to his sister and put his hand on his chest and bowed slightly, "Welcome sister." "Sister?" Ciel asked with that same smile. "Apparently so my lord," Sebastian repeated. "Nice to see you too asshole," Aria replied sarcastically. Well, maybe the asshole part wasn't sarcastic. "Ho-ho," Tanaka laughed?

"Jade, aren't you happy to see my handsome brother again?" Aria teased. Jade did not reply. She was busy staring, no, admiring the blonde with blue-green eyes standing across the room making conversation with a guy with frizzy burnt hair. She heard him laugh, he was so cute. "Jade? Jade? Are you listening," Aria said. After a few moments of silence from Jade Aria said, "Your ass is square!"

"What? Excuse me. My ass is perfectly round. Your ass is shaped like a pear!" Jade fired back. "You're pathetic," Aria said coolly.

"If I do say so myself, your asses are perfectly fine. Nice and round," Finni said out of nowhere. Aria was about to make a move to kick but Jade stopped her with her doting on Finni. "You're so cute!" Jade said as she held Finni to her breast. Finni was smiling and laughing gleefully. Mayrin was watching from across the room with another slight nosebleed.

"Sebastian, you're being so rude. Introduce me to our guests," Ciel said as he looked Aria up and down. "Yes my lord. This is my sister Aria and her companion, Jade. Don't get your hopes up my lord. They have taken each other," Sebastian said sexually. "Well then. Let's watch," Ciel remarked. "You won't be watching anything," Aria said. She was outwardly rude to him but deep down, her vagina was tingling at the sight of him.

"I want you Ciel," said a creepy voice from behind Ciel. Ciel's hand flew up and hit Alois Trancy in the nose. "Ah! You hit me Ciel! You treat me so roughly!" Alois squealed. "What do you want Trampy?" Ciel demanded. "It's Trancy," Alois corrected. "I know what I said," Ciel whispered to himself.

"Ah your so cruel Sebby-darling," Grell said as he crawled through the door. Grell crawled toward Sebastian and placed his head on Sebastian's crotch, "Help me up Sebby-darling or my tongue will lose control." Sebastian grabbed Grell's vibrant red and threw Grell into the trashcan. "This is where the trash goes," Sebastian said with a humorous smile. "Are you implying that I'm trashy?" Grell said with an erotic grin as he started to unbutton his shirt. "Yes," Sebastian replied simply. "Ah, so cruel," Grell said with his shoulder peaking from his shirt.

"Tanaka," Sebastian started, "Would you mind taking out the trash?" "Ho-ho" Tanaka answered and picked up the trashcan with Grell in it. "What are you doing Sebby-darling?" Grell asked. Sebastian slammed the lid on the Grell's head and helped Tanaka carry out the trash.

Ciel heard a high-pitched whisper from the door. He turned toward the sound to see Lady Elizabeth beckoning him from behind the door. Ciel walked outside and silently closed the door behind him.

"Ciel, do you want to marry me?" Lizzie asked. "We are engaged. Eventually we are going to get married," Ciel replied. "Yes that's true," Lizzie said with her eyes down, "But do you want to marry me?"

Ciel was silent for a few moments. Lizzie and him have been close friends their entire lives but he was so young that he could not decide. And Aria, she was so sexy, no one had made him feel that way with just a single look. Lizzie, damn did she get on his nerve sometimes with her frilly girliness overpowering his otherwise glum and silent attitude. She wasn't that great in bed either. Ciel's decision made…

"Yeahhhhhhh, no. Sorry, Lizzie, but I love another…she's sexier, smarter, and she hates pink." Lizzie gasped as tears sprung to her green eyes, "But Ciel, I'm all that too huh?" "Uh-oh-uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh no," Ciel finally said.

"You will marry me Ciel Phantomhive! I will be your wife and we will be happy together! We will have thirty kids together and they will have kids. We will throw social balls and everyone will be jealous of us. We will die happy together! That is how it is meant to be!" Elizabeth screamed at Ciel.

The red demonic glow was starting to form Ciel's eyes, "You see Lizzy, that cannot be. I will never die." "Ciel," Lizzie said in a small voice, "Stop. What are you doing? You're scaring me. No! No! No!" "Why couldn't you make those noises in my bedchambers last night?" Ciel said as he closed in on Lizzie. "Ciel! Stop!" Lizzie screamed one last time.

Ciel walked back into his study looking as casual as possible. "Young master, I assume everything is well?" Sebastian said with a smirk. Ciel simply nodded. "What happened to Lady Elizabeth?" Mayrin said with a little blood left on her upper lip. "She has left us," Ciel said calmly as he returned to his desk.

"Sebastian," he ordered with authority, "Remove these 'decorations' at once." "Very good my lord," Sebastian replied. Sebastian then proceeded to take down all the stars and hearts and sparkles and whatever frilliness the Lady Elizabeth had placed all over the gloomy study.

"I-I-I will help you Sebastian," Mayrin said as she scurried up a ladder to remove from pink streamers. "No," Sebastian screamed but Mayrin had already begun to fall off the ladder. In a blink on an eye, Sebastian had all of the decorations in one hand and Mayrin in another.

"He-he. Very impressive Sebastian Michaelis," said a deep creepy voice from one of the bookshelves. There was a grumbling sound from that same direction and a pale bony hand with long gray fingernails seemed to be pushing the bookshelf open from the inside. The Undertaker poked his head from behind the bookshelf and said slowly, "Happy Birthday. Earl. Ciel. Phantomhive."

"What do you want?" Ciel asked with agitation. There was entirely too many people here.


	2. Chapter 2

"I am so excited! The very first McDonald's! Yahoo!" Finni screamed as he ran throughout the Phantomhive manor. "You're not going," Ciel intervened. "Why not young master," Finni asked with disappointment in his gentle features. "Because," Ciel said plainly.

"Because why?"

"Because you suck," Ciel said rudely, "Bard's ass."

Finni frowned, "You're so mean young master."

"Come Sebastian, we must not keep the ladies waiting," Ciel said coolly. Sebastian replied, "Yes young master."

"Sebastian when was the last time you've been on a date?" Ciel inquired.

"I don't really date, I just," Sebastian paused, "fuck."

"Interesting," Ciel said with a frown. He was expecting something more from his butler. Perhaps something a bit more embarrassing. Sebastian was smirking to himself as they drew nearer to the carriage.

"What is this piece of shit?" Ciel said as he exited the doorway, "I want a car."

"I believe you are at least twenty years ahead of your time young master," Sebastian corrected. "Shut up you bitch," Ciel replied. Sebastian knelt on one knee, bowed his head, and placed his hand on his chest, all the while smirking, "Yes my lord."

They entered the carriage and Tanaka whipped the horses until they started to trot down the cobblestone path. "Sebastian, how is that tattoo of yours," Ciel asked. "It still itches like a bitch," Sebastian replied.

"So that's why you were scratching your ass," Ciel jeered, "Is it like a venereal disease?" "No," Sebastian replied with a glare. "I am only messing Sebastian," Ciel said.

"It was ok to mess with me when you were human because I was going to eat your soul but now that you are a demon and you ordered me to be your bitch for all eternity, messing with me is not fun anymore. It's fucking annoying," Sebastian explained.

"Since you're my bitch, I get to fuck with you," Ciel replied. Sebastian removed his glove seductively with his teeth, balled up his fist and punched Ciel out of the carriage. "Ho-ho," Tanaka said as he saw Ciel roll out of the carriage and down a dark ominous alley.

"Hey look it's a kid!" said a masculine voice from down the alley. "He looks like a gnome," said another. "A very cute gnome," said the first voice. The second felt obliged to agree, "Very well then."

Ciel stood erect as he stared at the two men. They both were fairly muscular with strong jaw lines, small eyes, and long greasy hair. "Something tells me if I were still human, I'd be unbuttoning my shirt and crying right now," Ciel said to himself, "Sebastian will have to pay for this…tonight." Ciel smirked in the darkness. He had a sort of naughty dark cuteness to him, it only made the two strangers even more horny.

The first started to drool, "Come child." Ciel started towards him, "Ok now I'm here. What do you want with me?" Ciel had a sexy smirk on his face and flirtiness in his dark blue eyes. "I want you," said the stranger as he stretched his arms to him, almost hypnotized by Ciel's beauty and prowess.

"Mine!" Sebastian screamed as he swooped Ciel into his arms. Ciel wrapped his legs around Sebastian, "Sorry boys, I'm taken." Sebastian leapt out of alleyway and onto the roof of the next building and gracefully glided across rooftops until they reached the moving carriage. Sebastian carried Ciel back into the carriage and tossed him onto the seat. "You will pay for this," Ciel said with a smirk, "Remember, you are my bitch."

Tanaka pulled the carriage into McDonalds, "Ho-ho."

Ciel and Sebastian were greeted by Jade and Aria when they walked into McDonald's. Aria waved enthusiastically to Ciel. While Jade jumped onto Sebastian and wrapped her legs around his midriff.

"Damn you really want to get into his pants, huh?" Aria scoffed at her friend. Jade lifted her head from nuzzling the other demon.

"Just before Grell." Jade sneered. Sebastian smirked towards Ciel, "I have my bitch." Ciel glared at him with sexual jealousy. "Let's just get what we came here to get, "Ciel shouted, "Get me my black play-doh!"

The young man at the counter frowned at him, "Sir, we do not have play-doh." Ciel gave him a nasty glare, "What do you have?" The young man shrugged and replied, "We have batman and my little pony."

"Then I want a blue batman," Ciel ordered. The young man frowned again, "I deeply apologize sir but we don't have a blue batman. We only have black." Ciel was getting frustrated. Aria was getting hot just by watching him. He was so sexy when he was pissed. He would do anything just to get what he wanted.

Ciel closed his eyes and summoned his patience, "Then I want a purple my little pony." The young man frowned even more, "I am deeply deeply sorry sir, but we are out of the purple, we just have pink."

Ciel's eyes turned that demonic red, "Sebastian!" "Yes my lord," Sebastian gave Jade a kiss on the lips and threw her off him. He jumped behind the counter and cornered the young man.

"NO!" Grell shouted as he burst through one of the windows, "Sebastian do not ruin that handsome face."

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at Grell. "Oh Sebastian don't give me that look," Grell pleaded, "You know what it does to me."

"No," Sebastian said flatly. He ran swooped Jade into his arms and gave her a passionate kiss, with tongue. Grell pulled out his deadly death scythe and waved it around in frustration, "G-N-Gi-No-No Noooooo!"

"I'm sorry," Sebastian remarked sarcastically with a sexy gleam in his eye. Grell was turned on and pissed off. He turned his attention to another subject, "Ciel, what a handsome young man you turned out to be."

Aria turned and licked Ciel's cheek and lips. Ciel smiled perversely at Grell and Grell got even more frustrated, "It's so hard to be a woman in a man's body." Ciel and Sebastian lifted their mates into their arms and carried them off into the sunset, removing clothes as they did so.


End file.
